Pater Familias - Part II

There is so much I want to say.  First is first.  My son was born on January 17, 2013.  The road to that moment was one answered prayer after another.  And the journey since that moment of birth has been another intense exercise of faith.  Everyone has been amazed of what great nurses and doctors we have had tending to our days-old baby.  Our family, friends, and Church family prayed so much.  There were times I wanted to cry in pain and other times I wanted to cry in joy.  Driving home from the hospital every morning to be home by 6am to get our other kids ready for school was alone time that made me reflect.  I mostly reflected on God's love, which also made me feel really loved and moved to tears for the miracles happening every day for my newborn son.  May everyone be recompensed blessings many times fold for their prayers.

Today, eight days later, my son is home for the first time.  Thank you, Jesus, for such love, for this miracle, for every moment that led to this moment of having him home.

One of the first things that I did upon arriving at home, was open three CDs.  I grew up listening to Cri Cri records.  My mother would place the records on the record player.  As I got older, she taught me how to put the records on myself.  We would sing our favorite songs together.  One day, I came across a Cri Cri CD at the store.  I wrote the date on the price tag after I bought it.  October 6, 2001.  This was eleven and a half years ago.  I vowed not to open the CD until I had my own son to play it for.  Within the year, I bought two more CDs.  All three have been on my music shelf in a special place ever since.  Yesterday, I dusted the CDs.  This morning before going back to the hospital, I readied a little boombox CD player near the crib.  Each moment was bringing me closer to upwrapping the CD's from their dusty packaging.

Finally being at home, the CDs are now unwrapped and being played for the first time; almost twelve years in the making.  I've kept myself from getting too emotional but this is a very special moment for me.  He seems to like the songs and are helping him relax and make himself at home.

Now that he is home, the next thing to open are the "It's a Boy" cigars that I bought days before he was born.

Pater Familias - Part I

Picture Perfect.

There is a scene in the Nativity movie in which a lady says to Joseph, "To see yourself in a young face, there is no greater joy." (Nativity Scene)  This scene always made me a little sad to wonder if I would ever know such joy.  I met my wife six years ago; got engaged almost four years ago; and we've been married two and a half years.  In those two and a half years, I entered fully into the world of fatherhood with my three children that God gave me through marriage.  Yes, they are legally called step-children and I their step-father or step-dad.  If I ever use the word "step," I always put it in parentheses or even change it to a muted color.  I do not like to have it be the emphasis in its compound word.  I have one (step)daughter and two (step)sons; emphasis on the relationship of daughter and sons.  Although they have been in my life for the past six years, it was not until we married that we had to learn to live under one roof.  There has been growth and the accompanying growing pains.

Watching them grow, I cannot help but miss what I never had.  I never had the chance to hold in my arms the three children I have now.  I never got to sing them to sleep.  I never changed their diapers.  Actually, I am not too broken up about that one.  But I think you are starting to understand where my thoughts go.  I was not there when they were babies.  The youngest one was already five years old.  I have absolutely loved it when people tell me how much he looks like me.  I also love it that he calls me Dad and how he would get excited to dress like me.

"I look GREAT!!"

My Grandfather(+) taught me that there is a bonding through touch.  I missed out on so much bonding with my kids; how can a person make up a lifetime of it?  Life can be such a messy moving target.  I decided to start waking them up gently with touches and nudges.  The goal is to make a memory with them through touch.  I still remember all the times my Grandfather(+) pulled our socks off through our blankets in the mornings.  I remember it would bother us ("No Grandpa!  No, 'Buelito!"), but what I wouldn't give to go back in time.  I remember and actually cherrish that touch.  I want my kids to remember that I always woke them up gently and one day remember that touch.  I cannot do much else since I cannot carry them to bed or sing them to sleep.  Aside from that, I do kiss my youngest one before he gets on the bus.  I started doing that this year.  He'll be too old for that in a couple of years.

From the very begining, they have been nothing less than my kids.  I sacrifice for them, I bleed for them, I cry for them, I would die for them; I love them.  The process has evidently been more difficult for them, and perhaps even confusing at times.  I will continue to love them more and more, and never less, even after a baby of my flesh and blood is born. I am their daddy.  I am the pater familias, even though the "soggy bottom boys" make me feel like The Man of Constant Sorrow sometimes.  It's a process!

Doing Yourself a Favor without Time-Travel

I've been pondering the whole "do yourself a favor" phrase.  This phrase reminds me of a scene of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989).

 

Following this scene, Bill & Ted continue on this time paradox sequence of events where they agree to go back in time later so certain things they need now are there at that precise moment.  Confused yet?  In simple terms, they do themselves several favors with the clever use of time travel.  That would be so useful!  I would like to invite you to start doing yourself more favors throughout your day.  The challenge is to not use your fancy time machine if you have one.  The magnitude of the favor you grant yourself is completely up to you.

The favor can be something small and temporal, such as when you put things where you can find them at a later time.  I typically encourage my kids to get their clothes ready for the next day to save time the next morning.  Putting my clothes where I can just grab them in the morning while I'm still half-asleep is a real time saver for the morning rush routine.  Also, wake up 10 or 15 minutes sooner if you think you need more time.  Rationally, do you really think those extra 10 minutes of sleep are going to make that much of a difference later on during the day?  They really won't, but it will loosen up the morning schedule.  I am also obsessed with efficiency.  I blame my dad for those genes.  I take out clothes from the dryer a certain way that will maximize my folding time and minimize wrinkles.  I wash dishes and lay them on the counter to minimize water puddles.  I wash my vehicles from top to bottom to use gravity in my favor.  The list goes on.  I'm not implying you should be as obsessed as I am, but definitely do yourself favors that will help you have peace of mind.  Peace is the goal.

We can very much also do ourselves favors in the spiritual sense, such as when you dispense charity, faith, and hope, for your recompense will be in Heaven.  Understand that everyone is seeking to be loved.  Understand that you are God's instrument, and that through you, He is trying to love the person next to you.  That includes people of different creeds, nationalities, race, political affiliation, and sexual orientation; everyone just wants to be loved.  Receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation as often as you need to; go to confession.  How can a clean soul not be number one on your list?  Next, forgive others as you have been forgiven.  Do yourself the big favor of not holding grudges or seeking revenge.  Go to Mass and nourish yourself with God.  One of the best things you can also do is have the best person in your corner at all times. Jesus is that friend that you need to get to know.  I'm not talking about knowing about Him (birthday, parent's names, where He lives, etc.), but actually spending time with Him and get to know Him.  Get to know Him through His Word, through prayer, and through the Eucharist.  All theses things lead to internal peace which also translate to external peace.  Peace is the goal.

Whether the favor is temporal or eternal (spiritual), you will always be a beneficiary.  Doing your due diligence may seem like extra work in the present time, but I promise that you will be thanking yourself later.  Who better to do nice things for you than yourself?!  Do yourself a favor. Be a friend to yourself. You deserve it.

Peace be with you.

Perplexing: The Professional Working Today

Great-grandmother and Great-grandfather on
the far left.

Today, we are all looking for the perfect job.  This following rant might be better absorbed by those with college degrees.  As my life has changed over time, my priorities have shifted but nonetheless, I feel employers and society have forgotten about the dignity of the person.  Let me go back in time a bit.  People used to work long hours at the mills, in the mines, at the factories, etc. and had little time for family and food preparation.  Appliances began to be invented in the last century for one purpose, which is to save time.  Technology had a similar noble task of helping people do tasks easier and quicker.  From this we can assume that we now have tons of time for our family.

So, what happened to all of this saved time?! Where did it all go?  Why is there STILL not enough time for family??  Perplexing.  It seems as though companies took ownership of that saved time that was meant to be reserved for our families.  I resent that.  I want to reclaim that time.  My family deserves it.  One of my last employers, like many do nowadays, would ask the employees to "sacrifice some time."  They would remind us that sacrifices are necessary.  This usually meant having to come in early, stay late, and come in on the weekend.  When a person is married and/or has children, the employee is no longer sacrificing his/her own time, but rather his/her family's time.  The ugly part is that we don't give our families a voice in the decision to sacrifice THEIR time with us.  I also remember when people used to get paid for their time.  Professionals are typically paid salaries.  Any extra time at work beyond the normal 40 hours in a week is not necessarily paid.  Personally, no company I have ever worked with has ever paid me overtime.  From the employee perspective, we're not any richer for our sacrifice.

Don't let the smile deceive you.
This job was not fun.

I almost wonder what went wrong.  I went to college and I got a degree.  I wear a tie.  Where's my pay off?  Instead, I have student loan debt that won't go away soon, it is harder to find a job, the jobs leave you with less time for family, and I am still living paycheck to paycheck.  I look at others that did not go to college and they come home during daylight.  They're outside mowing the lawn, washing their trucks, getting their boat ready for the lake (they have a BOAT!!), and have money left over for cook outs and road trips.

So I can only conclude that the time that technology and appliances gave us were hijacked by companies.  And as I ponder the last of my days in a future far, far away, I can only think that I will not be quoted to say "I wish I would have spent more time at work."  Companies, give us our dignity back to live as breadwinners of our family and be able to spend time with them.  Pay me for what I know and not how many weekends I can put off my family.  Treat me like the man of my house and not as your slave boy at your company.  And the next time new technology arises, keep your grubby greedy hands off of my family's free time.

Two Saints. Twice the love.

We thought for sure this time was going to be different.  My beloved wife and I now have two little saints in Heaven.  We had our second miscarriage on September 16, 2011.  The first saint is named Maria Jose Villalobos.  This one we named Jesus Salvador "Chavita" Villalobos.  Much like the first time, we had visits to the emergency room, but this time we were more vigilant so that meant more visits to the emergency room.  We weren't taking any chances, in case there was something that they could have done to help carry out a successful pregnancy.  I am not sure what makes this time seem more painful.  Is it seeing my wife in physical and emotional pain?  That always rips my heart.  Is it the fact that this has now happened twice?  God has a plan.  Mathematically, that is now two saints in Heaven translating to twice the love from above.  Still, though, the hurt has to be processed.

I am the kind of person that needs to put certain things on the outside, hence the reason I made this blog account.  I know that for some, that might sound counter-intuitive to meet my pain directly, but ignoring my thoughts or suppressing them is just not my style.  I am aware that it might hurt, but that's just part of my healing.  So here it goes...

• The first Sunday after the miscarriage, my wife was too much in pain to move so I took the kids alone to Mass.  To my surprise, my parents joined me at Mass.  Ever since I got married, I began to attend Mass in English.  My parents until that Sunday, had always attended Spanish Mass.  I was quite moved that the notion to attend English Mass came from my Dad - "Quiero ir a Misa con mi'jo (I want to go to Mass with my son.)."  I was deeply moved especially during the Liturgy of the Eucharist when I have a special moment to talk to my babies in Heaven.  I introduced them to their grandparents.  "Your daddy loves you very much, and 'Buelo & 'Buela are here with me."
  
  
• Some people have asked me if things are okay without knowing the story.  Or if they see me alone, they want to know where my wife is and how she's doing.  At that point, I ask them for prayer, tell them what has happened, and I tell them how we're truly doing.  Saying what happened still waters up my eyes.  For some people, it might be bothersome.  For me, my reaction is an expression of love for my little saints, and I gladly accept the opportunity to express that love when given the chance.  Having that frame of mind doesn't keep it from hurting any less, but it does make it worth it.
  
  
• Seeing babies can be a challenge sometimes when you have gone through a miscarriage, or more.  This is especially true for the moms, but also for the dads.  Dads suffer as well.  Or at least for me, it can be challenging.  My recent hurdle was a failure.  I am ready to see babies, but I decided to take it to the next level and see them with a musical element.  Music is very powerful.  It has the ability to bring back a ton of emotions to the surface.  I thought I was ready to do this with music.  I clearly was not.  I don't think I will share the songs with you, but all you have to do is search YouTube for "child in heaven" and hang on for the emotional roller coaster steep drop.  And don't forget your favorite brand of tissue paper.  Grab the whole box. 

My consolation again is my faith.  I told myself that maybe Maria Jose needed a little brother to play with in Heaven.  I can live with that.  One day, I will embrace them.  Being in October is also a blessing.  October is Respect Life Month in the Catholic calendar.  That will bring many thoughts of my babies in Heaven.  Being members of the Kingdom of God and believing in the communion of saints is a special bond between us on Earth with those in Heaven.  That brings great peace.  Nonetheless, I still pray and ask for prayer.  Saint Joseph, pray for us.  Blessed Virgin Mary, pray for us.

One month ago today, on May 19th, my wife’s life and mine changed forever.

On May 13^th of this year, 2011, my wife and I confirmed our long awaited suspicion that we might be pregnant.  Someone asked me what that felt like.  It was something that I had never experienced, so naturally people wanted to know my reaction.  I described it to them like a warm hug from Heaven; it is something indescribable.  A few days later, we had her doctor confirm our drug store revelation.  We were very happy!

A couple of days later, we had to go to the emergency room.  Our fears became reality when the doctor told us that our baby was gone; known in the medical world as a miscarriage.  We were in both physical and emotional pain as we mourned our loss.

Patroness of the Unborn

That unforgettable day was one month ago today, and now today is Father’s Day.  It was very difficult in the following days after May 19^th.  My consolation was my faith in God and the most perfect prayer of all, Mass.

The height of Mass is when Heaven and earth meet during the Liturgy of the Eucharist.  In that special moment in Mass, my baby and I can be together.  My baby is in Heaven, first held by our Blessed Mother and taken to Jesus Christ to share in His Glory with the Innocents and Saints.  And every time I can find time to go to Mass, I get to be with her in a truer sense.  Gotta love daily Mass!  The following prayer that helped me is found in a Father’s Manual I bought at a Catholic store:

To a Child in Heaven

My dear little saint, now alive in Heaven, you have gone home to God to be eternally happy and are now in joy in the company of the Holy Innocents there. It was a thing hard for me to understand when you were taken from us, for parting with you has caused me grief that few can fully understand. Yet in all my grief I am happy, very happy for you, because I know the joy that is yours.

Your joy is now my joy too because I can always feel that I had a part in bringing it to you; and, now that you are in heaven, I realize that you are mine in a truer sense than you could ever be on earth. I cannot lose you now through sin. While parting with you was hard, I would not wish you back because I know that you are happier than I could ever make you were you with me still.

Help me, as you now can with your intercession, that I may be completely faithful to all my duties here below and merit to join you in eternal joys where there will be no more sorrow or parting from those we love. Amen.

St. Joseph, Patron of the Unborn

So today in Mass on Father’s Day 2011 and being the Solemnity of the Most Holy Trinity, I received one of the best gifts a Dad can have -  a hug from Heaven.  In my heart my baby is a girl, so, family members of mine and JoVann, when you get to Heaven and a little person comes to welcome you to Heaven and says "Hi Tia / Hi Tio," that’s our little Saint Maria Jose Villalobos.  I can’t wait to be greeted by her one day, God willing. :')

What I believe...

As a Catholic and in being Christian, I believe in God.  I believe He has created everything there is and everything that will be, done so through His Will and inspiration.  God has created all, with His Word, and sustains it by the power of the Holy Spirit.  The Nicene Creed and the Apostles Creed say it best.  I also particularly like the last part of the Apostles Creed:

"I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Holy Catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting."

The communion of saints is very meaningful to me, especially as we ponder the cycle of life.  When we leave our earthly existence, we find ourselves in a new spirit existence.  God made us to one day return to Him and have everlasting joy.  The road to Him is not easy, but Jesus came to show us in person how it can be done.

We are born a certain way.  By that I mean that before we can learn any habits, we typically, very early on, begin to exhibit certain innate traits.  I'm sure you've heard people make comments about babies like, "she's always happy, he's very high-strung, etc."  Our essence is God-given.

I got to see this more so with my Grandmother in her last days.  Throughout her life, she was not a fan of being sick.  She was a very strong lady, physically and spiritually.  In her later years, she would get scared if she got sick because she did not want to die.  She would say that she loved living too much to die!  Some might say that she thought that because she did not receive the proper catechesis (faith formation), but I think there are plenty of people with proper formation that are still scared of dying.  Grandma saw herself as young for a long time.  I think her years snuck up on her one day.  It was probably the day she had to rely more on her cane to walk.  It probably happens to everyone.  We have an image in our minds of what we look like and we probably don't update that image too often.  I know that for me, one day I looked in the mirror and I wasn't a kid anymore.

Recently, my sister sent me a picture of Grandma that I had requested from her.  Along with the picture I wanted, the file came with another picture depicting a younger "Grandma."  When I saw it, I saw the person that was inside Grandma.  She was probably 19 years old when the picture was taken.  This young lady in the picture depicted everything my Grandma exhibited after her stroke.

Bertha Ramirez Celestino. 1941.

In my Twitter updates, I mentioned three scares that she gave us.  She would begin to breathe a bit startled with her eyes open.  In her face, there was a will to live and a fear of dying.  This was the girl who laid in the bed scared.  This was the girl who fought and resisted the "call" to go Home to God.  This is whose hand I held.  This is whose face I kissed.  This is whose bed I stood by and prayed for.  This is who I spoke to, hoping that she could hear me.  And I am certain that this is how she now looks like in Heaven.

To me, those scary episodes were my Grandpa and family coming to her to escort her to Heaven.  To me, her reactions (her breathing, etc.) were caused by, dare I say(?), her stubbornness to "die."  Days later, her face changed to a peaceful, more accepting expression.  You could almost see the transformations going on in her as she came to terms with things.  She found Peace.  Monday, February 7, 2011, was a beautiful sunny day.  Peace was in the air that morning.  She offered up her soul to God as we prayed for intercession, as we prayed continual Hail Mary prayers.

I will see her again in life everlasting.  We will communicate through prayer through the communion of saints.  This is what I believe.