We thought for sure this time was going to be different. My beloved wife and I now have two little saints in Heaven. We had our second miscarriage on September 16, 2011. The first saint is named Maria Jose Villalobos. This one we named Jesus Salvador "Chavita" Villalobos. Much like the first time, we had visits to the emergency room, but this time we were more vigilant so that meant more visits to the emergency room. We weren't taking any chances, in case there was something that they could have done to help carry out a successful pregnancy. I am not sure what makes this time seem more painful. Is it seeing my wife in physical and emotional pain? That always rips my heart. Is it the fact that this has now happened twice? God has a plan. Mathematically, that is now two saints in Heaven translating to twice the love from above. Still, though, the hurt has to be processed.I am the kind of person that needs to put certain things on the outside, hence the reason I made this blog account. I know that for some, that might sound counter-intuitive to meet my pain directly, but ignoring my thoughts or suppressing them is just not my style. I am aware that it might hurt, but that's just part of my healing. So here it goes...
- The first Sunday after the miscarriage, my wife was too much in pain to move so I took the kids alone to Mass. To my surprise, my parents joined me at Mass. Ever since I got married, I began to attend Mass in English. My parents until that Sunday, had always attended Spanish Mass. I was quite moved that the notion to attend English Mass came from my Dad - "Quiero ir a Misa con mi'jo (I want to go to Mass with my son.)." I was deeply moved especially during the Liturgy of the Eucharist when I have a special moment to talk to my babies in Heaven. I introduced them to their grandparents. "Your daddy loves you very much, and 'Buelo & 'Buela are here with me."
- Some people have asked me if things are okay without knowing the story. Or if they see me alone, they want to know where my wife is and how she's doing. At that point, I ask them for prayer, tell them what has happened, and I tell them how we're truly doing. Saying what happened still waters up my eyes. For some people, it might be bothersome. For me, my reaction is an expression of love for my little saints, and I gladly accept the opportunity to express that love when given the chance. Having that frame of mind doesn't keep it from hurting any less, but it does make it worth it.
- Seeing babies can be a challenge sometimes when you have gone through a miscarriage, or more. This is especially true for the moms, but also for the dads. Dads suffer as well. Or at least for me, it can be challenging. My recent hurdle was a failure. I am ready to see babies, but I decided to take it to the next level and see them with a musical element. Music is very powerful. It has the ability to bring back a ton of emotions to the surface. I thought I was ready to do this with music. I clearly was not. I don't think I will share the songs with you, but all you have to do is search YouTube for "child in heaven" and hang on for the emotional roller coaster steep drop. And don't forget your favorite brand of tissue paper. Grab the whole box.
