There is a scene in the Nativity movie in which a lady says to Joseph, "To see yourself in a young face, there is no greater joy." (Nativity Scene) This scene always made me a little sad to wonder if I would ever know such joy. I met my wife six years ago; got engaged almost four years ago; and we've been married two and a half years. In those two and a half years, I entered fully into the world of fatherhood with my three children that God gave me through marriage. Yes, they are legally called step-children and I their step-father or step-dad. If I ever use the word "step," I always put it in parentheses or even change it to a muted color. I do not like to have it be the emphasis in its compound word. I have one (step)daughter and two (step)sons; emphasis on the relationship of daughter and sons. Although they have been in my life for the past six years, it was not until we married that we had to learn to live under one roof. There has been growth and the accompanying growing pains.
Watching them grow, I cannot help but miss what I never had. I never had the chance to hold in my arms the three children I have now. I never got to sing them to sleep. I never changed their diapers. Actually, I am not too broken up about that one. But I think you are starting to understand where my thoughts go. I was not there when they were babies. The youngest one was already five years old. I have absolutely loved it when people tell me how much he looks like me. I also love it that he calls me Dad and how he would get excited to dress like me.
"I look GREAT!!"
My Grandfather(+) taught me that there is a bonding through touch. I missed out on so much bonding with my kids; how can a person make up a lifetime of it? Life can be such a messy moving target. I decided to start waking them up gently with touches and nudges. The goal is to make a memory with them through touch. I still remember all the times my Grandfather(+) pulled our socks off through our blankets in the mornings. I remember it would bother us ("No Grandpa! No, 'Buelito!"), but what I wouldn't give to go back in time. I remember and actually cherrish that touch. I want my kids to remember that I always woke them up gently and one day remember that touch. I cannot do much else since I cannot carry them to bed or sing them to sleep. Aside from that, I do kiss my youngest one before he gets on the bus. I started doing that this year. He'll be too old for that in a couple of years.
From the very begining, they have been nothing less than my kids. I sacrifice for them, I bleed for them, I cry for them, I would die for them; I love them. The process has evidently been more difficult for them, and perhaps even confusing at times. I will continue to love them more and more, and never less, even after a baby of my flesh and blood is born. I am their daddy. I am the pater familias, even though the "soggy bottom boys" make me feel like The Man of Constant Sorrow sometimes. It's a process!
