Pater Familias - Part I

Picture Perfect.

There is a scene in the Nativity movie in which a lady says to Joseph, "To see yourself in a young face, there is no greater joy." (Nativity Scene)  This scene always made me a little sad to wonder if I would ever know such joy.  I met my wife six years ago; got engaged almost four years ago; and we've been married two and a half years.  In those two and a half years, I entered fully into the world of fatherhood with my three children that God gave me through marriage.  Yes, they are legally called step-children and I their step-father or step-dad.  If I ever use the word "step," I always put it in parentheses or even change it to a muted color.  I do not like to have it be the emphasis in its compound word.  I have one (step)daughter and two (step)sons; emphasis on the relationship of daughter and sons.  Although they have been in my life for the past six years, it was not until we married that we had to learn to live under one roof.  There has been growth and the accompanying growing pains.

Watching them grow, I cannot help but miss what I never had.  I never had the chance to hold in my arms the three children I have now.  I never got to sing them to sleep.  I never changed their diapers.  Actually, I am not too broken up about that one.  But I think you are starting to understand where my thoughts go.  I was not there when they were babies.  The youngest one was already five years old.  I have absolutely loved it when people tell me how much he looks like me.  I also love it that he calls me Dad and how he would get excited to dress like me.

"I look GREAT!!"

My Grandfather(+) taught me that there is a bonding through touch.  I missed out on so much bonding with my kids; how can a person make up a lifetime of it?  Life can be such a messy moving target.  I decided to start waking them up gently with touches and nudges.  The goal is to make a memory with them through touch.  I still remember all the times my Grandfather(+) pulled our socks off through our blankets in the mornings.  I remember it would bother us ("No Grandpa!  No, 'Buelito!"), but what I wouldn't give to go back in time.  I remember and actually cherrish that touch.  I want my kids to remember that I always woke them up gently and one day remember that touch.  I cannot do much else since I cannot carry them to bed or sing them to sleep.  Aside from that, I do kiss my youngest one before he gets on the bus.  I started doing that this year.  He'll be too old for that in a couple of years.

From the very begining, they have been nothing less than my kids.  I sacrifice for them, I bleed for them, I cry for them, I would die for them; I love them.  The process has evidently been more difficult for them, and perhaps even confusing at times.  I will continue to love them more and more, and never less, even after a baby of my flesh and blood is born. I am their daddy.  I am the pater familias, even though the "soggy bottom boys" make me feel like The Man of Constant Sorrow sometimes.  It's a process!

Doing Yourself a Favor without Time-Travel

I've been pondering the whole "do yourself a favor" phrase.  This phrase reminds me of a scene of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989).

 

Following this scene, Bill & Ted continue on this time paradox sequence of events where they agree to go back in time later so certain things they need now are there at that precise moment.  Confused yet?  In simple terms, they do themselves several favors with the clever use of time travel.  That would be so useful!  I would like to invite you to start doing yourself more favors throughout your day.  The challenge is to not use your fancy time machine if you have one.  The magnitude of the favor you grant yourself is completely up to you.

The favor can be something small and temporal, such as when you put things where you can find them at a later time.  I typically encourage my kids to get their clothes ready for the next day to save time the next morning.  Putting my clothes where I can just grab them in the morning while I'm still half-asleep is a real time saver for the morning rush routine.  Also, wake up 10 or 15 minutes sooner if you think you need more time.  Rationally, do you really think those extra 10 minutes of sleep are going to make that much of a difference later on during the day?  They really won't, but it will loosen up the morning schedule.  I am also obsessed with efficiency.  I blame my dad for those genes.  I take out clothes from the dryer a certain way that will maximize my folding time and minimize wrinkles.  I wash dishes and lay them on the counter to minimize water puddles.  I wash my vehicles from top to bottom to use gravity in my favor.  The list goes on.  I'm not implying you should be as obsessed as I am, but definitely do yourself favors that will help you have peace of mind.  Peace is the goal.

We can very much also do ourselves favors in the spiritual sense, such as when you dispense charity, faith, and hope, for your recompense will be in Heaven.  Understand that everyone is seeking to be loved.  Understand that you are God's instrument, and that through you, He is trying to love the person next to you.  That includes people of different creeds, nationalities, race, political affiliation, and sexual orientation; everyone just wants to be loved.  Receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation as often as you need to; go to confession.  How can a clean soul not be number one on your list?  Next, forgive others as you have been forgiven.  Do yourself the big favor of not holding grudges or seeking revenge.  Go to Mass and nourish yourself with God.  One of the best things you can also do is have the best person in your corner at all times. Jesus is that friend that you need to get to know.  I'm not talking about knowing about Him (birthday, parent's names, where He lives, etc.), but actually spending time with Him and get to know Him.  Get to know Him through His Word, through prayer, and through the Eucharist.  All theses things lead to internal peace which also translate to external peace.  Peace is the goal.

Whether the favor is temporal or eternal (spiritual), you will always be a beneficiary.  Doing your due diligence may seem like extra work in the present time, but I promise that you will be thanking yourself later.  Who better to do nice things for you than yourself?!  Do yourself a favor. Be a friend to yourself. You deserve it.

Peace be with you.

Perplexing: The Professional Working Today

Great-grandmother and Great-grandfather on
the far left.

Today, we are all looking for the perfect job.  This following rant might be better absorbed by those with college degrees.  As my life has changed over time, my priorities have shifted but nonetheless, I feel employers and society have forgotten about the dignity of the person.  Let me go back in time a bit.  People used to work long hours at the mills, in the mines, at the factories, etc. and had little time for family and food preparation.  Appliances began to be invented in the last century for one purpose, which is to save time.  Technology had a similar noble task of helping people do tasks easier and quicker.  From this we can assume that we now have tons of time for our family.

So, what happened to all of this saved time?! Where did it all go?  Why is there STILL not enough time for family??  Perplexing.  It seems as though companies took ownership of that saved time that was meant to be reserved for our families.  I resent that.  I want to reclaim that time.  My family deserves it.  One of my last employers, like many do nowadays, would ask the employees to "sacrifice some time."  They would remind us that sacrifices are necessary.  This usually meant having to come in early, stay late, and come in on the weekend.  When a person is married and/or has children, the employee is no longer sacrificing his/her own time, but rather his/her family's time.  The ugly part is that we don't give our families a voice in the decision to sacrifice THEIR time with us.  I also remember when people used to get paid for their time.  Professionals are typically paid salaries.  Any extra time at work beyond the normal 40 hours in a week is not necessarily paid.  Personally, no company I have ever worked with has ever paid me overtime.  From the employee perspective, we're not any richer for our sacrifice.

Don't let the smile deceive you.
This job was not fun.

I almost wonder what went wrong.  I went to college and I got a degree.  I wear a tie.  Where's my pay off?  Instead, I have student loan debt that won't go away soon, it is harder to find a job, the jobs leave you with less time for family, and I am still living paycheck to paycheck.  I look at others that did not go to college and they come home during daylight.  They're outside mowing the lawn, washing their trucks, getting their boat ready for the lake (they have a BOAT!!), and have money left over for cook outs and road trips.

So I can only conclude that the time that technology and appliances gave us were hijacked by companies.  And as I ponder the last of my days in a future far, far away, I can only think that I will not be quoted to say "I wish I would have spent more time at work."  Companies, give us our dignity back to live as breadwinners of our family and be able to spend time with them.  Pay me for what I know and not how many weekends I can put off my family.  Treat me like the man of my house and not as your slave boy at your company.  And the next time new technology arises, keep your grubby greedy hands off of my family's free time.